Consolation in Darkness

Suffering dogs the footsteps of every man. It leads us to ask the deep questions of life: Why was I born? What is my purpose? Can any good come out of this? Why me? Is there really a caring God or am I all alone in this? Is this all there is?

In moments of suffering we can forget about the joy in our lives, because what we feel at the moment most deeply is pain. It is during these times we are most vulnerable to seeing only the tree in front of us and failing to be aware of the great forest around us. The answer to our questions is bigger than our human imagination. It is God made man.

In the summer edition of Tower Topics, a magazine published by Conception Abbey of Conception, Missouri, Abbot Gregory Polan, OSB, writes with a backdrop of his April pilgrimage to the Holy Land:

Yet one does not have to go to the Middle East to discover that life itself is a pilgrimage for each of us: it is a journey to holy places, an opportunity to let Jesus beckon us to follow him on the path to holiness. We know that God speaks to us by the Holy Spirit dwelling within us, making every day of life a sacred journey. But we can't predict when someone we have met might, in some quiet and unobtrusive way, open God's message of hope to us just a little more deeply. And we never know which day may be our last, when the end of our pilgrimage will have arrived and the great mystery is made clear before God.

Living life as a pilgrimage, we know that our destiny is heaven, a reality beyond this present existence. The less baggage we carry, the easier it will be for us to fix our eyes on the wonders around us in which the Creator is revealed. Possessions will mean less, people will mean more. And we know that money cannot buy happiness.

Each day is a new beginning, a moment to come before God to "sing a new song," as the Psalmist tells us. We can sing a new song of praise and thanksgiving for blessings received. We can also sing a new song of need, worry, or fear, knowing that God alone can answer them for us.

May our appreciation of life's pilgrimage lead us in paths of peace, hope, and joy, until that day when God's glory is ours forever.

Temporal Suffering: Punishment or Gift?

As  I sat, knelt, and laid by my father's deathbed  just two weeks ago, the Lord taught me many things; and showered me in such graces and blessings and mercy that I was left in awe of His kindness and humbled at His generosity.

If you have never experienced it before, it is REALLY difficult to watch someone slowly die. Of course, when that "someone" is a person you love, cherish, rely on, and NEED in your life, it becomes a heart-wrenching challenge to accept and embrace the events that are unfolding before your eyes.

My Dad was a hard-working man. Even in high school, he had to drop out a year to go to work and help his family; returning later to finish school with my mother's graduating class. (That's how God brought them together and went on to bless them with 64 years of marriage!)

During my father's last 3 days, he had long periods of AGONY. At times, I didn't think I could bear a single moment more...it was especially traumatic to see a look of "FEAR" on his fragile, and suffering face. (I would sing hymns to him and comfort him with the Divine Mercy Chaplet...stroking his hair and telling him it was OK to let go and reach out for Christ's welcoming arms).

At one point, I begged God out loud, "Dear Lord...he has done nothing but work and work HARD for You his whole, entire life...does he also have to 'WORK" now to DIE????? PLEASE spare him of this agony".

I can not adequately articulate what next transpired. Thus, I hope you will forgive my rudimentary attempt.

Somehow...(and for those who are accustomed to the quiet way in which God sometimes speaks to our hearts, you might relate)...God spoke to my heart in that instant...in silence...and yet SO clearly and lovingly...and...I think...sternly.

He asked, "Oh Judy...don't you see? Why can't you understand? THIS is his Purgatory; which I am allowing him to serve  on EARTH so that He may join me in Heaven today".

All at once, each and every moment that my father moaned, cried out, choked, or gasped for air, became, not a punishment or aimless trial or suffering IN VAIN...but rather...a  BEAUTIFUL, MERCIFUL, WONDERFUL GIFT from his own LOVING FATHER in HEAVEN.

"I am SO SORRY, Lord", I cried. "Yes...NOW I see".

And, I realize too, that in some way...WATCHING my Dad in his hour of agony...though it caused ME great suffering...was also a gift...because I was able to offer up each moment of my own pain and grief for the reparation of my sins and for so many intentions. (YOU were all a part of those prayers, as well!)


During the last five years of my father's life...he suffered greatly. Actually, all THROUGH my father's life...he was never a stranger to suffering. But, during those last years, when he was in and out of hospitals almost weekly, at times...he said to me, "I'm hoping that I can take care of all of this suffering so that you kids won't have to".

I believe that God hears and answers prayers like these. I believe that He would, indeed, allow my Dad to "suffer for His children's sake".

I believe He DID allow it.

And, I believe, that because the Lord offered "Purgatory" to my father on earth...he was able to join the Saints in Paradise when he released his final breath on June 27th, 2011.

Suffering the temporal punishments for our sins, and enduring trials and sufferings while we are on earth, is not some form of a curse, dished out by a cruel and thoughtless God.

It is a GIFT. It is a means for Jesus to allow us to take part in the Cup of His Passion, so that united with Him, and made worthy by His merits and grace, we are able to be cleansed, healed, and prepared to enter into His heavenly kingdom when our time comes that He will call us HOME.

"O death! Where is Your Sting?"

This past Friday, as I sat in church listening to St. Paul's letter to the Corinthians, these words hit me like a sledgehammer:

"Five times at the hands of the Jews I received 40 lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I passed a night and a day on the deep; on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, danger from my own race, dangers from Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers at sea, dangers among false brothers; in toil and hardship, through sleepless nights, through hunger and thirsts, through frequent fastings, through cold and exposure. And apart from these things, there is the daily pressure upon me of my anxiety for all the churches."

After a reading like this one can't help but reflect on St. Paul's great courage and his zeal for spreading the Gospel. But do you know what really struck me the most outside of the hardships that St. Paul underwent?
It was the fact that nothing, and I mean nothing can destroy us nor take our life without the express permission of God. St. Paul lived through each and every one of these horrors because God allowed it to be so. Only He has the ultimate power over life and death. Death cannot claim someone before their time. Some may ask:

Well, what about those who never make it out of the wombs of their mothers? Or children who die young? How about those whose lives are taken by another? Those killed by drunk drivers?

Here we get into the area of God's permitting will which differs from his perfect will. This "permitting will" entered after the fall of our first parents, Adam and Eve. This may be an area that is very difficult for us to understand but God does not ask us to understand....He asks us to trust. To trust that good will be brought out of even the greatest evil.

I have a very good friend who lost her teenage son at the hands of a drunk driver. One day, a few years after this tragic lost, she said to me, "Mary, I have to tell you, had my son not died when he did, I have reason to believe that his soul may have been lost had he stayed on earth." This woman had a beautiful mystical experience regarding the salvation of her son's soul and, what she had previously thought to be "the unkindness of Our Lord",  changed instantly after a small  glimpse of a mercy so great and a God so good that He allowed this young man to die early in order to save his soul. She still grieved but she no longer questioned.

St. Paul's love for the Lord was so great that he understood that death would come when it was time to go, no sooner no later. All the apostles understood this, also. Though most of their deaths came in the form of martyrdom, God brought such immense good out of each of their lives and deaths that we are still reaping its benefits thousands of years later.

Every single person on this earth has a mission and I, for one, believe that even those "little ones" who never got the chance to take a breath here on earth fulfilled the mission they were sent for. God thinks in terms of quality not quantity - the souls of these "little ones" may have been so beautiful already that stepping foot on this earth may have not even been necessary.

Many years ago, I remember, after suffering from years of infertility, finally seeing that beautiful plus sign on a home pregnancy test. I joyously made an appointment with my doctor....only to find out after further testing that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I remember crying and crying for days on end, no one could console me.  I realized that, though this baby was in the wrong place, a baby it was, soul and all, and though he or she wouldn't live that this child had a purpose, nonetheless. Oddly enough, this ectopic pregnancy paved the way for my daughter to be born. Somehow, after years of doctors not being able to get dye through my tubes, something happened. Not only did God prevent my tube from bursting, after the HCG numbers bottomed out signifying the baby's death, somehow the doctor was suddenly able to get the dye through the very tube that had previously contained the ectopic pregnancy while the other tube remained completely blocked as usual. My belief is that this pregnancy stretched the tube in the area where it was blocked and when the dye was pushed through, this area was "unblocked" and enabled me to conceive my daughter, Michaela.

I cannot prove this of course, but I believe it anyway. What else could explain it? God can bring great good, even out of circumstances which we cannot understand with our limited perspective here on earth.

"I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be hindered."   Job 42:2